Coming and Going

written 06.07.2021

There is this place.

It exists, but you can never visit it.

It is a space that only I have access to.

But not even I can go there at will.

It is a place that exists inside me.

Located at the deepest darkest corner of myself.

An attic, a cellar, wings, roots, all of it.

Before I’ve discovered this space, I always wondered where my mind drew its strength from.

But now, I know.

This place is my heart, like a muscle it pumps strength into me, supports me, alivens me, unconditionally.

I am deeply engrained in that place.

But I never knew that it existed. I could not know it was there.

No, I only found out about this space when I was least prepared.

His hands, digging into me, I hated it.

His breath, sweat, ugliness right in my face, in my womb, it hurt.

Knives cutting me with every thrust.

How mundane, how gross, how small this violation was.

A criminal act, but nothing changed, at least not on the surface.

I still breathed the same, even moaned, only for him to stop quicker.

And then the pain grew, blossomed.

I thought this is it. This is how I die. Not my body, no, those scars would heal.

But inside, I thought I would die.

Any second now.

Breathing.

Hurting.

His face, right there.

Watching me.

Any second now.

And then…

I didn’t die.

Nevertheless,

Something happened.

I started to float…Internally.

I knew my body was still there, but oh my, I was flying.

Was leaving his face behind, leaving my pain.

Watching the crime scene from above for a second.

And then…

Silence.

Warmth flooded me.

Everything became light.

Silence.

Suddenly, there was this space.

It was so beautiful, so absolutely stunning, breath-takingly painful.

Like a nest. A shelter from the cold.

Filled with everything I liked. My wishes, desires, skills, loves. Carefully curated just for me.

There was my cat, I adored so very dearly.

There was a piano which I instantly had to play. Just me improvising and loudly singing gibberish, nothing special.  

But in that moment, it was everything.

There was a mirror.

I could see my naked body.

I spotted my cellulite running down my legs.

I know damn well that they want me to hate them, but I adore my wrinkles. They only belong to me, only I can love them.

My body made these!

Like the ocean painting lines into the beach. Drawing with its ebbs and flows.

Yes, in this space, these lines where my favourite part about myself. Fiercely marking that something inside me grew. The ebbs and flows of my skin.

Indicating that everything will come and go.

The floor was full of painted bricks. They were so colourful, painted yellow.

Nothing could come here. Blocked.

I was barefoot.

And the bright light coming from above, created a marvellous contrast between my porcelain skinned feet and the rusty yellow floor.

How these bricks empowered me.

I started running, truly running.

Grounded and supported by the sturdy floor.

How good it felt to make my body sweat. To run and run and run and feel nothing but excitement.

I stopped.

Silence.

Then,

I started to laugh.

And not the small smiles that you give a man, a boy, who just wants your laughter to drown the noise of his own insecurities.

No, I started to laugh, from within me. Loudly.

Snot was running down my nose.

What a joyous sticky feeling.

OH, HOW I LOVED BEING IN THAT SPACE. MY SPACE.

And then I instinctively knew that I couldn’t stay.

Something inside me told me it was time.

I quickly ran towards the piano, one last minute.

Then I stood up and looked at my cat.

I picked her up and held her for another minute. Oh, how tight I held her. Feeling that tiny heart- beating, and listening to her purr, I will never forget that sound, her voice, soothing me. Never.  

And then I knew it was over.

I had to let go.

Panic.

I was not ready to face what I had to.

To go back and pretend that I don’t like my cellulite.

Pretend that he brought me joy when all he brought was sorrow.

Pretend that I could heal myself from his crime.

Smile again.

But despite the space leaving me behind, forcing me out of its comfort, I knew it would never leave me. I knew, it would always be there. An instinctive knowing. I just felt it.

Feeling the space’s light, its warmth, I mustered all the strength that I could.

I let myself fall.

Fall back.

Through the ceiling, through his body, through mine.

Grounded.

Stuck. Again.

Open your eyes!

His sweat is dripping into them.

So brutally dehumanising.

But I was still alive.

‘Did you come, babe?’