Their candy, their poison, their womanhood.
Written 07.02.2021
April.
Day 1
I am 15. It is time, that is what my mother says.
My doctor too looks at me and she decides that it is DEFINITELY time.
And so, I got some candy. 1 everyday, at the same time.
Then once every few weeks, 7 days no candy. Easy.
15 years old. Child.
May.
Day 45. (Month 2)
I am almost 16 now.
Things are changing. My body is changing. Boobs growing bigger. Nice.
That is what they desire anyway.
They unfortunately do not feel like my boobs anymore. Are too stiff.
But that does not concern me too much most of the time.
June.
Day 76 (Month 3)
I am 16 now.
My boobs hurt a little more each day.
But there is something worse.
I cannot feel anything. Nothing makes me laugh and nothing makes me cry.
Nothing matters- anyway.
I think I need to return to the candy store.
September.
Day 168 (Month 6)
I am 16.
The doctor thought it would be better to give me different sweets.
Instead of purple, the packaging is pink now. And the candy is pink too. Fun.
I start again. 1 Everyday, for 3 months in a row now. Then 7 days no candy.
November.
Day 229 (Month 8)
I am still 16.
Taking the candy is easier. My boobs do not hurt as much.
They still seem to grow. It hurts a little.
Sometimes I feel sad, but it might not even be the candy.
Boys enter my life and fall out of it. Easy. Sometimes not so easy.
Life becomes faster, less precise afterwards.
Winter,
Autumn,
Summer,
Spring.
Day 275-1370 (Years 2-4)
I am 17-20.
The candy is normal now. I do not think much about it. But I cry a lot.
Eating becomes more important. I often feel hungry. Quite a lot actually.
But it is not a big problem.
My mother says my boyfriend should pay for my candy. At least half of it.
I talk to him. He feels okay about it.
Day 1371- 2100 (Years 5-6)
I am 21-22.
I have eaten a lot. Grown in places that do not fit in neatly anymore.
My grandmother tells me so. I am not a thin girl anymore.
I cry more now. Although I also feel numb most of the time.
My boyfriend wants to touch me but most of the time I cannot care for it.
December.
Day 2438-2454. ().
I am still 22.
I begin to see the candy for what it is.
Poison. A façade. Toxic.
I don’t experience my body anymore. I have been performing for so long.
Pretending to be the pinnacle of womanhood for so many years even though I was a child.
Pretending that this candy does not kill you over time. Either your body or your mind. It kills.
Reduces you to something that only benefits others. Emptied from the inside out.
December.
Day 2455.
Stop- Full stop. Done.
I decide to stop taking the poison pills.
January.
Day 1 (Month 1)
I continue to be 22.
My body is changing again.
My mind changes too. Freed.
The hunger is disappearing.
The craving for more slowly fades away.
The appreciation of the present senses and tenses blurs into view.
Peace is settling in.
June.
Day 167 (Month 6)
I am 23 at last.
Life is intense.
A pandemic is here too.
But I am so grateful. Excited.
My body returning to something long forgotten.
My boobs and my stomach become a bit smaller.
Something has left my body. I am not occupied anymore.
The undoing of their ideas of womanhood.
The paradox of precaution. Impregnated with their poison to avoid unwanted pregnancy.
The sheer possibility of breaking out. Endless. Growing.
February.
Day 397 (Year 1, Month 2)
I am in my 24th year of experiencing.
The bleeding every month hurts.
But I am overjoyed. It is my bleeding. Ungendered bleeding.
Caused by my body, my self.
No responsibility anymore. I only answer to my forces now.
Reclamation of what has been taken from me.
Returning to a place I never knew and loved before.
February.
Day 416 (Year 1, Month 2)
Still fractured and blue but the sadness now goes away.
I can feel again. The highs and lows. I simply am thrilled by the normality of it.
This is what I was owed all along.
Now I have found something profound.
My journey took 2465 days. Struggle and Discovery.
After that, heading home. Recovery.
Content.
My Self.